There has been a lot of talk recently about the merits and demerits of being a stay at home or a working mom, with celebrities being caught in a whirlwind of controversies and gossips for loosely made comments on parenting styles. While I have absolutely no intent of adding to this celebrity saga on motherhood, it made me wonder that are we not inadvertently stereotyping when we assume that every stay at home mom who gives up her career believes that staying at home makes her a better mother and that she voluntarily chooses to be at home with her kids rather than a boardroom debating a game changing business plan? What if the decision to stay at home is not made out of choice but a necessity? An immensely successful Associate Director with a leading multinational firm is forced to take a sabbatical or even quit just before her big promotion because her trusted help has decided to elope and with a nuclear family set up she has no choice but to spend every waking moment with her little angel till she can finally rebuild the whole support infrastructure again. Does she love her angel and enjoy that time spent with her? Ofcourse she does. But does that mean that she does not miss her corporate life? Most articles about working moms talk about how they combat the guilt of spending time furthering their career and enhancing their business acumen. What about the working moms who are absolutely amazing at their workplace and are perfectly comfortable entrusting their children in the safe and fun environment of a day care or a trusted support system? And what about the stay at home mums who would rather spend quality time with their babies while also pursuing a corporate career but are forced to make a decision that makes them feel guilty of not being able to harness their talent? Somehow no one seems to talk about this guilt of not being able to pursue one’s ambition. Maybe because it does not conform to the socially acceptable definition of the ‘perfect mother’. And it’s not just about career, there are stay at home moms who want time to themselves to maybe pursue some other passion that makes them feel complete or just happy. And no they do not feel guilty about hiring help to take care of their babies while they pursue their own hobbies or interests. It helps them feel more at peace with themselves and that translates to a more nurturing environment for the children. The age old debate of quality vs quantity time.
We talk with immense compassion about the guilt of the mother who has to leave her children in the loving care of their grand parents, while she works on a new award winning campaign, irrespective of whether there is any so called regret there or not! She maybe perfectly happy spending the quality time with her kids but ofcourse she is expected to be guilty about not spending the quantity time right?! What if she feels that working makes her happier and that happiness translates into a happier environment for her children? Is that not more important?
And finally why do we have to assume that every mother is making some guilt ridden choice between motherhood and career? Motherhood is a choice and a happy choice and a lot of women I know choose their parenting styles based on what they feel helps them be a better parent. The decision to work or stay at home can sometimes be led by necessity and not really by ones own desire, but that does not have to be the case every single time. While yes there are some stay at home moms who are absolutely delighted to give up their career or take a break there are others who are equally satisfied being successful corporate leaders. Not every working mom walks in every morning to work with a cloud of doubt and guilt hanging on her head. But somehow as a society it just feels more comforting to believe otherwise and almost shame those who dare to disagree. Changing a mindset is not easy but not impossible either. The power to bring about this change rests with each one of us. So ladies from now on please don’t feel compelled to experience or admit guilt where none exists. I am a working mom and no I don’t feel one bit guilty about that!
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