Parenting is not a 50-50 partnership!

Parenting is not a 50 – 50 partnership – I know this sounds a little absurd but not more than the assumption that raising the baby is primarily the responsibility of one parent and then gradually becomes a 50 – 50 partnership! When 100% of the child’s love belongs to both mom and dad, how can the dad or mom assume only 50% of the responsibility at any phase of the child’s life?  In a recent survey conducted by Neilson In association with Pampers, I was surprised to see that 88% dads believe that baby chores primarily need only the mom’s involvement. While it is not biologically possible for a father to give birth to the baby or breast feed, there is absolutely no other chore that a dad can’t do if he truly wants to. I agree parenting is not easy and does not always come naturally, but do not be fooled by our confident demeanor, most of us first time moms are constantly questioning our every move – are we lifting our 2 week old delicate bundle of joy the right way? Is his head getting pressed while rocking him to sleep? Am I feeding enough? Is the diaper tied right? We question our every single decision some thousand times in our heads because just like the first time dad, the first time mom is also just learning – giving herself a pat on her back for a job well done but also learning from her rookie mistakes. Walking side by side, dancing together at the small triumphs like managing to bathe the baby the first time and sighing together at silly mistakes like forgetting to change the diaper in time are all defining moments that make the journey of parenthood truly special not just for the mom and dad but also the little angel in your arms.

I remember when baby S was a few days old, and had made it his mission to ensure that even 4 hours of sleep at a stretch was not an option, my husband would carry and rock Baby S to sleep every time he stirred, which the first few months ranged from 3 to even 10 times in a single night, and only wake me up when it was time for a feed. While all through the initial months I kept thinking that I was one lucky wife, I gradually started noticing the special bond he had developed with Baby S. There were times and still are when Baby S only wants his papa! While a lot of child development research talks about the positive effect of the active involvement of both parents on the child’s cognitive development, I have also noticed a significant impact on Baby S’ social skills and overall confidence. With families becoming nuclear, we as parents are the child’s first and only role models or guinea pigs to understand how the world around them works. While I am great at the messy art or make believe games, Baby S learns cycling and all fun outdoor activities from his papa. I tend to focus more on the learning games and the moral stories, and Baby S get his dose of goofy fun, which is equally important, from his papa. And it is all these cute and adorable traits put together that define Baby S. Neither I nor my husband could have achieved this alone. No wonder that in a recently conducted survey by Neilson in association with Pampers, 97% moms believe that IT TAKES 2 to raise a Happy, Healthy baby and 87% moms would want their husbands to participate in baby care from Day 1.

However mommies, if you want the daddies to get more involved you have to learn to let go as well! No matter how hard it is to watch your husband try to change the baby’s diaper for the first time and create a complete mess or even when your heart almost stops watching your barely one and half year old hang like a monkey from his daddy’s arms, learn to trust your husband’s instincts. If you want the best for your baby so does your husband. Your little bundle of joy is just as important for him and just like you he is making his rookie mistakes and learning from them. But if he is constantly worried about you finding faults or interfering with his every attempt to help with the baby chores he will step back and let you take the lead!. Infact 83% dads wish to be more involved in baby care but they don’t know how. Sounds familiar moms? So let the dad’s be. Let them get the diaper on upside down or too loose. Use products like the pant style diapers by brands like Pampers to help dads overcome their diaper changing fear. Encourage him when he gets things right and before you know it, your husband will assume the role of the‘Super Dad’ to complement the ‘Super Mom’.

When we decided to have a baby, it was a decision we made together, so how could we raise our little wonder alone?! #ItTakesTwo

Sharing must be learnt not forced!

“Please learn to share!” if I could get a penny for every time I spoke those words, I’d most definitely be a millionaire by now! But somehow the more I repeat those words the less effective they get! It typically starts as a request, gradually moves to a pleading, sometimes even bribing – If you share your car, I’ll get you your favourite ice-cream, and finally as the crowd starts gathering around and my parenting skills come under the scanner I resort to those empty threats – Give the car now or trust me you are not seeing that car ever again and I mean it! While the threats work sometimes, even kids learn how to handle bullies pretty darn quickly. More often than not these threats are met with a stoic – I will not give my car, along with a staged walk out to make it absolutely clear to me and all those watching our little altercation that my attempt at trying to force my child to share has failed miserably!

Thankfully, my mommy crew came to my rescue and I realised that I wasn’t the only mother blessed with a rebel who refused to share! And while I was trying to figure out ways to cajole my little one to part with his favourite car, while simultaneously trying to figure out ways to get out of a tricky situation of lending a pushy aunt-in-law my favourite cupcake stand, it suddenly struck me that in our quest to earn the ‘perfect parent’ badge maybe we were being a bit unrealistic and even unfair with our little angels. Okay so Baby S does not want to part with his favourite red car, but is willing to share another car. Is that really such a big deal?! Would I share my favourite designer bag with a relative stranger just because I’m being cajoled?! Not really. Just like Baby S I’ll hunt for an alternative that if damaged will not leave me heartbroken! So then why are we being so tough on our babies? As toddlers they are still developing close friendships and most of the kids at the park or the larger playdates, are acquaintances and even relative strangers to them. Baby S is not sure if he’ll get his favourite car back and is not able to understand why he’s being asked to part with his favourite toy just because another kid has decided that she would only like to play with his red car! A lot of mixed signals end up confusing the little baby. Are the desires and wishes of another baby more important that his? Is it okay for her to be stubborn and not him? Why is mommy getting angry at him when all he is doing is taking care of his toy just like she has asked him to? And finally when he feels completely cornered, he grudgingly parts with the toy, not because he has suddenly imbibed the values of sharing, but because he does not want to be cajoled or bullied any longer. And I’m quite certain that this is definitely not the virtue that we are trying to imbibe in our little angels.

Why do we want them to learn to share? Well, I for one believe that learning to share will make him less reliant on materialistic aides and help him grow into a compassionate human being who is able to empathise with others. And I don’t think the forced sharing was achieving any of this. Maybe I was being a bit unrealistic with the materialistic bit, he is a 3 year old toddler after all! As for compassion and empathy, I realised that children are the purest souls who are born with these beautiful qualities, and as parents we need to identify the different ways in which they express these qualities and encourage them. We often visit a creche and primary school for under privileged children and watching Baby S distribute doughnut boxes and even his favourite chocolates without an ounce of resistance or hesitation, reassures me that my little baby has understood the most purest form of ‘giving’ and ‘sharing’, one where there is no expectation to receive anything back in return, except smiles and happiness. Infact a lot of times he picks these boxes himself, without asking for a box or chocolate for himself! Isn’t this what we finally hope to achieve as parents? While driving to his school last week, he saw all the street dogs shivering and curled up and wanted me to explain why they were not running around like usual. Upon hearing that they were cold and have no warm place to go, he became quiet for a moment and then said something that made me so proud – “Mamma I’ll give the doggies jackets and they can come to my home. Can we please do that mamma?” I hugged him tight and at that moment couldn’t be surer that my little baby was growing up to be this amazing young boy who could not only empathise with the needs and sufferings of others but who was also able to go one step further and do his bit to take away that pain and spread happiness.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t encourage our babies to share toys or books with friends. But maybe we could avoid the constant cajoling. And most of the time when left on their own with their friends, kids do start sharing and playing together. The trick is to let them decide what they want to share, when they want to share and with whom they want to share. When toddlers feel that they are the ones in control, they are definitely a lot less reluctant and rebellious. And of course they are developing their social cues based on the way they see us interact with the world. The more they see us sharing with friends and family, the more acceptable and natural the concept becomes for them.

So mommies let’s quit this rat race of being the ‘perfect’ mom and stop conforming to external guidelines and validations. Let’s try to raise babies who have their hearts in the right place. Let’s give them time to understand and naturally develop values and virtues without forcing it upon them. So what if she doesn’t want to lend her favourite doll? As long as she’s more than happy to give her candy to that little girl at the traffic light, give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done!