Say sorry!

Every time my little monkey does something naughty, my instant reaction is to immediately get him to say sorry! The first few times it was simple to get that apology. I’m not sure he even understood the concept of the apology that he was forced to render. I could have asked him to recite ‘wheels on the bus’ or a simple ‘woof woof’ and would have probably received the same response! However, he gradually started viewing the request more as a command, and to be fair it sounded more like a threat than a polite request, and slowly but surely the sorry became a power struggle. I’d keep yelling “say sorry, say sorry now!” and he would vehemently shake his head to clearly display his stubborn refusal. This drama would continue for over 20 minutes and the so called request would turn into threats and finally he would relent, probably out of sheer boredom of hearing me repeat the same line over and over again!

And each time I would hear the magical word,  my smile would widen and my eyes would light up with pride. To an outsider, it would seem like I had accomplished the impossible. I would immediately swoop my little angel in my arms and smother him with kisses-all for reciting that one magical word – sorry. Having him repeat those words made me feel like I had successfully fulfilled my responsibility as a mother of nurturing a well behaved child, who was aware of the rights and wrongs of life, and was humble  enough to acknowledge his mistakes. While I was creating this imaginary grown up child in my mind, I might as well have handed my little toddler a college graduation degree in his hand as well. That’s probably exactly how meaningless those ‘sorries’ were for him.

The realisation dawned on me one evening, when I was having a heated argument with my husband. I needed to apologise for an error on my part, however, since my husband was demanding the apology, I refused to give in initially and finally gave a half hearted ‘sorry’ that meant absolutely nothing to either of us. And as I walked out of the room, I suddenly stopped and it all came rushing back to me. My son was behaving exactly the way I had. In the heat of the moment, he too would finally relent by literally screaming a sorry and struggle to get out of my grasp and run out of the room. Its not that I didn’t feel bad about what I had done, but I only truly felt sorry for it days later when my husband and I had a quiet and mature discussion without the anger or aggression.

It was then that I realised that by yelling at my 2 year old, I was only achieving the first part of the process – letting go of the steam, but the latter and more important part of realisation was never achieved. By forcing him to say sorry without making him realise the impact of his actions, I was only making him resent the term ‘sorry’, without realising his mistake. It was like a constant cycle. He would do something naughty, I would yell and force him to say sorry and he would repeat the same action 2 days later and we would be back to the yelling and screaming. It was like a never ending screaming match! Until one day I finally decided to break this routine. He threw his car in my direction, I ducked and this time instead of yelling at him, I decided to stay calm and look hurt. There was pin drop silence in the room. My son kept staring at me, waiting for the yelling. But when he didn’t hear a single word except an ouch and saw the look of hurt on my face. He ran straight into my arms, patted my forehead, planted a kiss and sat quietly in my lap. That’s it! No yelling, no threats and no tantrums! It’s been almost a month, and so far no car or for that matter no toy has been thrown at anyone. For a child who had started throwing things at people almost everyday, this complete abstinence was a significant step forward.  He still doesn’t say sorry easily, and honestly, I don’t even prod him to apologise any longer. All we do is try to make him understand the impact of his actions on others.

There are a few important steps that one must consider when attempting this approach:

1. The error on his part should be big enough to solicit the hurt look on your face. If you cry wolf all the time, he will stop taking you seriously. So what about the smaller stuff? Well, let it go! He is after all only a 2 year old, so cut him some slack and focus on the bigger issues instead of sweating on the small stuff.
2. Consistency is the key! If you keep alternating between yelling and calmly explaining the situation to your little toddler, you are only going to confuse and possibly frustrate your little brat. It is not easy to keep your cool when he decides that his fun activity for the day is pouring water all over your new couch. But instead of screaming your head off and rattling off the brand and cost of the fabric to a toddler who can’t differentiate between a Gucci and your neighbourhood fabric retailer, take a deep breath, and calmly explain to your little one, how icky the wet couch feels. You could maybe make him sit on it for a bit. Once he realises that water on the couch equals to discomfort, he’ll hopefully be less likely to repeat the experiment again.
3. Always maintain a united front when dealing with your little toddler. When your little artist, paints your expensive cushion covers in the season’s latest shades, make sure that everyone around offers the same disapproving look and looks away, while you deal with the little brat, one on one. A muffled laugh from the granny or the doting aunt, is enough to let her think that she has actually done something adorable. And then, instead of placating her visibly upset mum and promising to restrict her masterpieces to her art books, she will flash the family her most adorable and cute smile before dumping the paint bottle on the other cushion covers.
4. Finally,  when it comes to raising toddlers, there is no secret formula with a 100% guarantee. No manual, no secret spell! Being patient and trying to make the child understand the repercussions of his actions might work extremely well most of the time, but then there will always be that one odd instance when it might just completely backfire! You might have followed the same script that worked the past 20 times, but this time no matter how upset you might look, your little master-chef might completely fail to understand why mommy is not enjoying the food fight as much as him! What do you do then? Its not fun watching spaghetti splashed on your favourite top or the sparkling floor, but like I mentioned in the beginning, you can’t win all battles! instead of feeling disappointed, take a deep breath and let it go. Maybe he’s just not hungry, and wants to play. So instead of undoing all the good you’ve managed so far, its best to walk away and let him play with the few strings of spaghetti. The important thing is to keep trying. It might not have worked this time but that does not mean that it won’t work the next time or the time after that. So keep your cool and keep trying!

Even as adults we often find it hard to accept our mistakes, then how can we expect complete submission from our little angels! On the contrary, we should be happy that they are learning an important principle of not saying things  that they do not actually mean. Trust me that heartfelt hug and kiss from your little toddler will warm your heart much more than a meaningless and forced ‘sorry’.